The Death of the Green New Deal Deserves a Bergoglian Rhapsody

by John Zmirak  •  •  March 31, 2019   

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Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is getting thin-skinned lately. She (falsely) accused Laura Ingraham of mangling her name, for instance. I think in response every broadcaster ought to say Cortez's name with the most exaggeratedly correct pronunciation possible. You know, the way NPR hosts would say "NEEEEEK-o-ROWG-wa."

Maybe she's touchy about the fact that her delusional Green New Deal just went down to ignominious defeat, with not even a single Democrat voting for it. Now, of course, she says that she asked Dems not to vote for it. (Pee Wee Herman: "I ... meant to do that!")

Voting: A "Stunt"

Why? Because Speaker McConnell scheduling a vote on it was a "stunt." I'm not sure which countries form Cortez's models for democracy. (No, that's a lie. I'm actually pretty sure ...) But when party leaders schedule a prompt vote on a bill, that's usually a good thing. It's the opposite of a stunt. It is, in fact, a vote. What Cortez now says she wanted was protracted hearings, but not a vote. You know what you call that? A stunt. Maybe things are different in her adopted utopia, VAY-nay-ZWAY-la. There the actual votes in the legislature really are stunts, since the power all rests with the thugs who hold the truncheons.

Her plan was linked directly to so-called 'Catholic Marxists.'

Back when Cortez's plan, complete with corks for cows' butts and "financial security ... for those unwilling to work," was still fresh and new, I observed something. Namely that her plan was linked directly to so-called "Catholic Marxists." It's nice to see the level of support such crank, mom's basement LARPing got in the Senate, this time at least. Zero. Votes.

The Death of the Catholic Left

Worldwide, the appeal of Catholic-branded leftism seems to be fading. Fans of the smash-and-grab massive State indulged Pope Francis for a few years as a novelty. And a weapon, against the existence of private property, which Leo XIII called "sacred." But no one can really be both a Christian (much less a Catholic) and a Marxist, or even a genuine socialist. And people get tired of faking it. Besides, Francis' spiderweb of ties to pedophiles and their enablers threatens to taint their brand. Would Che or Fidel put up with perverts like that? Not for a moment. (The men weren't wrong about everything.)

And actual Catholics? They're equally weary of Francis. His incremental dismantling of Catholic morals is demoralizing and tedious, like a slow striptease performed to bad folk songs by a delusional 70-year-old.

To mark that, I felt inspired the other day to write a little song parody. That's not out of character. My favorite living musical artist remains Weird Al Yankovic. I dedicated The Bad Catholic's Guide to Wine, Whiskey, and Song to him and to Pope Benedict XVI as two "world-historical geniuses." I even got copies hand-delivered to each of them.

The parody took off on Twitter among fans of Catholic inside baseball. I thought I'd celebrate the latest humiliation for the Catholic Left by reproducing it here — complete with links that unpack the perhaps unfamiliar names. In fact, going through this song and clicking on those links offers a nice capsule history of this papacy. With that said, I give you the song that does true justice to Jorge Bergoglio (Pope Francis):

Bergoglian Rhapsody

Is this the same Church?
Is this apostasy?
It's been a grand ride
From nuance to heresy.

Empty your mind
Everything's redefined, you see ...
I'm just a pastor, I'm drenched with empathy.
But then I'm Monday yes, Tuesday no
This may stay, this should go.
Any way my whim blows, doesn't really matter to me, to me ...

Austen, just lied again.
Had to help out my old friends
Who kept dropping their Depends.
Austen, we were having fun.
But Vigano blew the whistle on us all.
Austen, ooooh ooooh,
Didn't mean to make you cry.
If I haven't trashed a doctrine by tomorrow
Claim I did, claim I did, I'll make sure Spadaro backs you.

These days, nobody cares
What I say or what I don't
It's as if I'd left the throne.
Hello everybody I'm still up here!
Gonna say something outrageous, make the news.
Austen, oh oh (any way my whim blows)
It's so much fun to lie
Sometimes think the truth isn't real at all.

I see a little Ted McCarrick of a man
Catamites, Catamites do you want to play horsey?
Exposés and lawsuits, anger from the grassroots, flee!
Coprophragía, Copro-phragía, Copro-phragía, Copro-phragía, Father Rosica, Spadaro!
I'm just a pastor, Pharisees hate me.
He's just a pastor from the periphery

He'll wash your brain with his loquacity.
Monday yes, Tuesday no I can make it so!
Anathema no, you cannot make it so, make it so!
Anathema, you cannot make it so, make it so!
Anathema, we will not say it's so, it is so!
(Will not say it's so) it is so (never, never say it's so) It is so (never say it's so)
Oh oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no
Oh Austen Ivereigh, Austen Ivereigh, Austen Ivereigh let me go
Cause Donald Trump has the moral high ground on me, on me, on me!

Oh Austen Ivereigh, Austen Ivereigh, Austen Ivereigh let me go

So you think you can flout me and Dubia my words
But I'll just demote you, make you just the pastor of birds.
Oh laity, can't be bothered with laity
Just drive 'em out just drive them all out of here.
Oh oh oh yeah, oh oh yeah
Truth just doesn't matter
As Jesuits taught me.
Truth just doesn't matter
Truth just doesn't matter to me

Any way my whim blows ...


John Zmirak is author, among many other books, of The Politically Incorrect Guide to Catholicism.


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